Kevin,
I read this through the modality of beauty, and overall I have to say you did I nice job. You connect Beth's experience with your own experiences, which was a great idea. When you wrote about your aunt Catherine's death battling lung cancer, it made me realize that sometimes you do have to let go. At some point in our lives our bodies won't be capable of taking care of us any longer; if we try to fight they might hold on a bit longer, but they will have to give up at some point.
You used a bit of metaphorical language which I liked. I would like to see more of it. I really liked the way you did this assignment, it was not boring to read at all. At no point while reading this did I feel the need to click the little red square on the top right corner of my screen. You keep your reader interested with your thoughts. I like how you are talking directly to the reader. I don't feel like you did this assignment just to complete your homework, instead I feel like you actually wanted to aware the reader about your thoughts on illness and dying. I would recommend you to increase your font size. Also, try to question the reader, or end with a sentence that will make your reader be sure to come back to your page and check to see if you have posted another blog post.
-Amber
Bianca,
It was nice to read your blog post; you have many insightful things to say. You asked me to give you feedback by reading your blog post through the modality of proofreading. Overall your blog post was interesting to read, but I felt like you had many long sentences. Maybe if you can cut some sentences shorter, or just keep everything short and concise. You were using a lot of commas throughout your sentences which to me signals that your sentences are getting too long. There were times where I felt the need to catch my breath. Next time I would advise you to use semi colons, in place of some of the commas. Try to let the reader know everything you are trying to say but in a shorter form. Other than that I felt like you did a good job. I didn't notice any spelling mistakes, which is good. It was interesting to hear your thoughts about Beth's presentation.
-Amber
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Bianca C said...
Modality: (Depth and Insight)
Amber,
Your post most definitely demonstrates your eye for key points. The most beautiful and insightful part about your writing would have to be one of your concluding questions: "When we die it is usually said that we go to a better place, so why aren’t we excited about dying and escaping from this obstacle course called life?" Such a thought-provoking question surely deserve recognition. I agree that it's strange how we complain about the hardships of life but, are defensive and ambivalent when it comes our time to part from life itself. The last sentence of your post was admittedly cliche and it would only benefit your writing if you were to have offered an alternative perspective, essentially a cliff hanger for a reader to trigger their interest in exploring the realms of death.
Kevin W. said...
I think that I'm supposed to be doing beauty. If I'm not, my bad. Well when it comes to beauty, I believe there is two types of beauty to look for. Beautifully written work, and beautiful insights. I think this had a little bit of both. "When we die it is usually said that we go to a better place, so why aren’t we excited about dying and escaping from this obstacle course called life?" That line is beautiful. It shows depth of thought, insight, and truth all in one. But it's even better because of the way it's phrased. It flows well and raises a question not commonly asked. It shows beauty in both ways. There were also some good lines in this post that could have been made stonger and more beautiful. "I don’t really understand why we are all afraid of death; I guess I am being hypocritical here because I as well am afraid of death." This is a line that raises another almost unsolvable question, but it could have been said better. If it was phrased more like: We are all afraid of death, myself included, but why? Or something along those lines. I don't want to take anything away from your post, as I think it's better then my own, but always keep looking for a better way to phrase things.
Nabil (Brother)
Amber,
"The last 10 days before Erics death were the best 10 days of our 27 year marriage". Even though this is Beth's quote, I like that you chose to put it here. I really like this quote because it tells me how even though Eric was fighting kidney cancer, both Beth and Eric knew that death has to come one way or another. The best thing to do is spend as most time as you can with your loved ones because at some time in your life, death will approach. "I think that many individuals become stoic after they figure out that their days are literally numbered." I agree with this quote, many of us no longer have any emotion at all because it won't matter. No matter what way say or do what has to happen will happen. Your paragraphs are very well formatted and the quotes you chose to put up really explain the ideal message of the story. What you can improve on is maybe adding some more details about what Beths reaction was like after Erics death and how she handled it. But over all very well done.
-Nabil
Shahana (mom)
Amber,
This line out of all really struck me the most: "Death will approach all of us some day." I really liked it because this is something that we can all connect to. This is the universal truth; death is something all of us will experience no matter what. All living things must die, which makes all living things make a strong connection with one another. We will not live forever, we have a limited time to spend our life in this universe. For some it is longer than others, but the main point here is that it is LIMITED.
This makes me aware that life is a precious gift of God. When we are seriously sick we hope for good health. But when we are fine we don't realize how precious our life is, because we become distant from our bodies while worrying about other neccessities which take over our life.
-mom
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